Past 4 am and sleep eludes me again. As time passes I begin to understand that the great loves in one's life are not always the ones that remain nor the ones which are logical or even sensible. They are simply heart-felt.
I think I may be losing a great love in my life and this saddens me more than if he had been my closest lover or my longest held partner. I have said since I was in my twenties that friends are more important in my life than lovers are.
Now I know on a deeper level how much this is true for me. How one friend can die for another and feel immense anguish in loving. I had found friendship to be the love which need never fade or die, a safe love. I find tonight that is not so. To lose a cherished friend to life's viscitudes is too much to bear this night. To lose to death is an honourable kind of loss, but in this matter there is no honour. There is only bare, naked loss.
No candle accompanies me tonight and the outside sky is dark. As the moon wanes, my heart fades with it. I always thought if my heart were an animal, it would be a female lion and if my womanhood were an animal it would be a panther. Yet I am not lion-hearted tonight. I sting with loss and the need to be in the presence of my friend, to speak the words that heal, the words that bring together out of immense difference. To fight for that space is perhaps the best I can hope for, knowing the door is not bolted against me. I begin to believe that doors made for the heart seldom are bolted by any heart. The very nature of the heart makes them rather more fluid than other keepers.
Outside a small bird sings, even at this unlikely hour of an autumn's night, and I wonder is someone from a fairy realm may visit and take my message across the skies. They are kind to me, the fairies, knowing I love them well.
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